Personal-finance columnist Charlotte Cowles asks the nosy, revealing, sometimes uncomfortable questions about money so you don’t have to.
Photo-Illustration: by The Cut; Photos: Getty Images
A growing number of married couples never combine their finances, and the majority keep at least some accounts separate — which is great, if it’s working for you! It’s also helpful if you’re looking to keep certain costs private, such as what you’re spending on personal care (hair, skin, jawline, etc.). “My husband doesn’t need to know what I pay for laser hair removal,” one friend told me recently. “And he knows well enough not to ask.”
Still, it’s a complicated topic. Some people spend thousands per year (even per month) just for regular “upkeep.” Should they be transparent with their spouse about those costs? For plenty of people, the answer is “no.” Here, three women share the beauty expenses they hide from their partners, why they do it, and how.
— Alison, 40, a mom of two in Miami
I started getting my hair colored after I had my first kid, who’s now 2. My hair color just looked flat and mousy, so I got highlights and I was astounded by how expensive it was: $800. But I also liked it, and I’ve kept doing it two or three times a year, though I wish it were more often. At first, I was able to pay for it with my own paycheck, and I didn’t tell my husband how much it cost. But after I had my second child last year, I stopped working. Now I feel like I need to ask for permission for the big expenses, which is such an awkward dynamic. Whenever I go to the salon, I put half of the bill on the Amex I share with my husband (he gets instant notifications with each transaction) and then I pay the rest in cash. My husband would flip if he knew how expensive it really is. He already thinks $400 is way too much.
I still have my own checking account, and my husband transfers $2,000 to me every several weeks. I use it when I need cash to pay for house cleaners, the occasional babysitter, and other random things. That’s the money I pull from to do my hair and other beauty expenses like manicures. If I get my nails done, I’ll just say I had an extra babysitter or something that week. I don’t think he’s completely against me spending money on myself ever, but he would balk at how lavish some of it seems. He doesn’t spend money on expensive haircuts for himself; he thinks any kind of hair treatment should be $150 or $200 max. The reality of what things cost is completely lost on him. Like, he thinks my Target shopping trips are ridiculous, but he doesn’t go to the store. He has no idea how expensive everything is. I’m not buying luxury goods at Target.
I do miss making and having my own money to be able to spend how I want. When I was working, I traveled a ton. It just became untenable once I became a parent, so I decided to take some time off and just never went back. I know I’m very lucky that my husband makes enough money that I can do that. But it means our expenses are more of a discussion now.
If my husband knew how much I’m spending on my hair, he would say I need to do more research to find a cheaper place, which I don’t want to do. Not only do I not have time to do that but I don’t think the trial and error is worth it. I found something that works for me, and I’ve made peace with the cost.
— Amanda, 35, works for a Bay Area venture-capital firm
I get Botox, Fraxel, Clear & Brilliant, EmSculpt, and regular facials and massages. I pay for all of it out of my own separate bank account. My husband knows about the EmSculpt, but he doesn’t know how much it costs. He thinks the lasers I get are just regular facials. And he definitely doesn’t know about the Botox.
It seems husbands sometimes feel they get to have a say in the choices their significant others make about how they want to look, like whether they get a boob job or some other procedure. I had that discussion with my husband recently. I mentioned that I miss the way my breasts looked before I breastfed two children and I was thinking of getting a lift or something in my late 30s or early 40s. My husband was so against it. He hated the idea of me putting something foreign in my body. But I was like, it’s my own choice.
He feels the same way about Botox and the fact that you’re injecting a toxin into your face. And I get that it’s a risk, but a couple of years ago, I started getting the “11” lines on my forehead and I really don’t want them. So I started getting Botox, and he doesn’t know. It’s not his face. He also doesn’t need to know it’s $400 a session.
I have income that goes directly from the firm I work for into my checking account that is not shared. My husband and I also have shared accounts, but I’m the financial planner and manager of our household. He doesn’t go through our finances. But even if he did, I don’t need him to see what it costs for me to go to the med spa or get massages or have my nails done. Not because he’d tell me I couldn’t do them, but I still think it would become a conversation I don’t want to have. Above a certain threshold, usually $1,000, we usually do consult each other. But we each have our own personal expenses we don’t question. My husband will spend $600 on a concert ticket and take Ubers everywhere. We’ll each take weekend trips with friends. We’re lucky that we both have good jobs where we can afford to do this stuff. So I think it’s completely fair for me to buy a handbag here and there or to get my Botox or a facial that’s expensive.
I recently started doing EmSculpt. They say it stimulates your muscles and helps with tone, that one session is equivalent to 20,000 crunches. I had diastasis recti after my second pregnancy, and my core just isn’t as strong as it used to be. I want to be more toned, and I don’t have time to do 20,000 crunches. Anyway, the EmSculpt was $3,200 for eight sessions, which is insane — that’s like buying a used Prius. It feels private. Like a lot of women, I’m self-conscious around body image. If I want to spend that money or pay $100 to get my nails done and also pay for child care during that time, that’s my decision. It’s not his business. So I’m glad I have a discretionary fund where I can pay for it myself.
— Anna, 40, a physician in New York
I have done all kinds of things to my face, and my husband has no idea. I got Kybella, an injectable that’s supposed to destroy fat cells, for my double chin five years ago, and I just wore turtlenecks to hide the swelling and told him I wasn’t feeling well. I think it cost about $2,200 for the session, and it hurt like hell. I had little red marks all over my neck afterward. I’m not even sure if it worked all that much — supposedly, multiple sessions work better — but it was hard to hide the recovery so I didn’t do it again.
I’ve done Fraxel, a skin-resurfacing laser treatment, twice. The first time, my husband was out of town so I never had to tell him anything and I could hide my red face at home, but the second time, my skin reacted much more strongly and I was raw and peeling for about two weeks. I told him I’d had a bad reaction to a skin-care product, and he didn’t ask any more questions. I think the first time cost about $1,200, and the second time was more, maybe $1,600.
I’ve also done Sofwave twice. It’s an ultrasound treatment that tightens your skin with really high zaps of heat. That was really expensive, like $3,200 per session, and it’s painful. But you walk right out of the office like nothing happened. There’s no downtime at all, and my skin looks incredible. I’m 40 and I actually think I look better now than I’ve ever looked. I don’t do Botox because I think it makes people’s faces look fake. I don’t really wear makeup, and I’ve never colored my hair. But I care a lot about my skin looking good, so that’s where my discretionary spending goes.
I don’t think my husband would be upset if he knew I’ve done all this stuff and paid so much for it, but still, I’d rather keep it to myself. It’s a little embarrassing to care so much about how I look. We both have solid incomes, and we’re on track for our savings goals. I do feel a bit bad about lying, but it’s not hurting anybody.
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